330+

That’s what I weigh right now. 279… is what I have to weigh to be able to have my hip replaced. 

Impossible is what I was feeling. But now I have hope. I have hope that I can feel healthy again. That I can move easily again. That I can fit into this world again. And that my kids will get their mom back!!

I’m having gastric sleeve surgery in 21 days!! There is a real possibility that I can get down to hip surgery qualifying weight by summertime! 

HOPE !!!!

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Well Hell

I just watched a stupid Miley Cyrus movie that made me cry like a baby. 

I need direction Lord. My kids hearts are breaking. What should I do?

Fat Ass

Those words were hurled at me last night by Jon in a rage. He had been arguing and fighting with Dylan  it was getting increasingly physical and I worried that someone was going to get hurt. So I got in the middle of it so jon would focus on me instead of Dylan. He was screaming at me calling me a fat ass and a fat ass bitch. And I did it… I reacted without thinking and said… “At least I’m not a sex offender”.  I didn’t mean to go there. I didn’t mean to hurl that at him. I reacted to the biting, stinging things he was hurling at me. He jumped up and got in my face and I thought he was going to hit me… but he didn’t. He just pushed me around a little; intimidating me and making me feel weak and defenseless. He’s a bully. 

So, I retreated to my bedroom, locking the door….

Journaling…….

Trying to think of feelings evoked from talking to my counselor last week. 

Alone and unprotected come to mind. I spent a good bit of my childhood trying to find someone to pay attention to me. I guess any attention worked; good, bad…

I want to jump back to adulthood. I’m overwhelmed and miserable right now. I’m parenting 4 kids alone and bungling it, I’m sure. I’m a horrible example. No energy, motivation, self discipline. 

I’m in physical pain all the time. Have I mentioned no energy?? 

I don’t know how to help myself….

It’s a Monday…

I’m tired and grumpy. It’s a Monday. I’ve done nothing but drive here and there. It’s a Monday. Everyone is annoying me, making me mad, or making me cry. It’s a Monday. I can’t do it right, the way they want it done in the time frame they want it done in. It’s a Monday. They don’t like the dinner plan, they’ve snacked through everything and complain that there’s nothing to eat. It’s a Monday. 

I think I need my anxiety meds because it’s a freakin Monday!!!

Fuck Off…

I heard that several times tonight from Jon. “Fuck Off”… He just says it like I am not his MOTHER! I don’t warrant any more respect than… well… anyone… He is constantly angry, constantly surly, constantly cussing, constantly lying…

I so feel like throwing in the towel! Just giving up… I don’t deserve this… The other kids don’t deserve this…

I need help. I need help. I need help…

 

 

Tornado

Jon’s aggression is like a tornado. Sometimes you can get a little notice that his aggressive behavior is starting and other times, it’s like the tornado that appears out of nowhere and leaves desolation in its wake…. His words batter and bruise and slice right through you. You bite your tongue so often to not make things worse, even though there are so many things that warrant a response. You know it won’t do any good; that it falls on cold, deaf ears. 

He basically dares you to try to make him do something but you know if you touch him it will only get far, far worse. 

So you duck, take cover, remove yourself from the situation as best as possible. You protect your other children. You send them away so they don’t have to receive as much of the verbal assault. 

I am living in a constant tornado warning. 

And then he just calms down…sometimes acting as if nothing even happened… But it did happen. Pieces of relationships are broken and may not be fixable. What do I do now? How do I act towards my son when he wants to give me a hug later, and I don’t want him anywhere near me? 

WHAT DO I DO NOW??????????